“Forgive and Forget…” another family saying that makes me cringe because, well, it is not easy!
Most mistakes are not the end of the world, and we can overlook the infraction. We all mess up, and we all need forgiveness at times. So why is it so difficult to forgive others? Perhaps it is not overlooking the fault that holds us back, but moving forward after we do that gets in our way. Maybe we feel that if we allow ourselves to dismiss the wrongdoing, we are giving the person permission to repeat the offense.
According to Psychology Today, James Enright developed a four-step approach to forgiveness. First, we must uncover our anger, considering how we have avoided or dealt with the situation. Second, we should acknowledge that what we have done so far is not useful, so we are deciding to forgive. The next step is to show compassion and consider whether the person acted maliciously or react to something in their life. Lastly, we release negative feelings and reflect on the lesson we have learned.
There are times when the person was acting out of malice and was intentionally trying to hurt us. In these cases, do we have to forgive them? We have all been in a situation like this when we continuously do the right thing and live by the Golden Rule only to be disappointed by people we care about. The very best we can do is try our best to come from a place of compassion. How much hurt must a person be filled with to intentionally do harm to someone they are supposed to care about? What conflict must this person be experiencing to allow them to choose a decision that ultimately end in misfortune for someone else?
In the end, harboring resentment and anger only holds us back from moving past the situation. Allowing ourselves to acknowledge our feelings and let go of the emotions attached to the act that hurt us is ultimately a gift to ourselves, not the person or action we are forgiving.
Just because we let go of the negative feelings associated with what someone did, does not excuse it. We can and should set boundaries with people and let them know the actions we will and will not accept. As Trent Shelton says, “Protect Your Peace.”
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