If you are an effective apologizer, we need to hear from you! I can honestly say, I do not know too many who are and after listening to Dr. Harriet Lerner on Brene Brown’s Unlocking Us podcast I’m Sorry: How to Apologize and Why It Matters I certainly know I need to work on it.
What is it about saying you are sorry that is so difficult for us and also so important for us to hear and to say? Growing up, I did not hear a lot of those two words from adults. I am not sure if it was a generational thing or just the way our family operated, but adults did not often apologize to children for whatever reason. In If You Mess up, Own it we addressed about the importance of addressing this to not only our children, but to us as well. There is something so impactful when we witness the compassion that goes along with empathy and how our feelings matter to the other person. It is also necessary for us to be humble enough to admit when we have made a mistake and be accountable for it.
Dr. Lerner explained that, “No apology has meaning if we haven’t listened carefully to the hurt party’s anger and pain.” Doesn’t that just hit home? I really believe this to be true. When we carelessly throw the words, “I’m sorry” out as if it is just a way to pacify the person, or worse, in a tone that is annoyed or frustrated, it certainly does not feel better and it does not serve a purpose. Can you remember an apology you patiently waited to hear that was delivered with an eye roll or that tone? It is just plain hurtful. Sometimes it might be best to leave it unsaid. But that hurts too.
The other side of the pendulum is the over apologizer. I am that girl! I apologize for everything from being in someone’s way at the store, to not holding the door long enough for every single person to get through, to taking responsibility for other people’s actions. I had a friend literally ask me to stop saying I am sorry on the tennis court because it was so annoying. And again, it probably doesn’t seem too genuine when you say it for every little thing. I understand that now. So what does a good apology include? I would love for you to listen to the podcast and hear the two part series because it is so heartfelt and honest, but here are a few things I took away:
Wholeheartedly apologize and receive the apology with a whole heart
A true apology does not include the word “but”
Your apology should not serve to silence the other person
A true heartfelt apology does not ask the hurt party to do anything, not even to forgive
So, if you are like me, you have a little work to do…
I was on a long run while listening to this podcast (6 miles and I am a slow runner) but I was so intrigued the entire time and I wanted to keep learning more. I already knew that I could do better with my apologies AND I did know I was sensitive to others’ apologies not coming when I wanted to hear them, but Dr. Lerner taught me that although I longed to hear those words, the important part was knowing that even though I may never hear the words, I understood that it did not have anything to do with me. For some people, it is simply too painful, too shameful for them to address. I don’t know why, but it gave me a little better understanding and even a little more empathy for those people. I am also doing a better job at noticing when I need to apologize as well as the quality of my apology.
I am curious to hear your thoughts.
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