Note the Problem
It is not just in divorce. We do it with our friendships, our romantic relationships, and even in the way we interact with our family. We allow people to treat us in a way we would never treat others. Terrible things like lying, silent treatments, dismissing our feelings, the blame game, and speaking hurtful words…
Let’s face it; if someone treated our child like that, we would punch them out! There are those of us who seem to be loyal to a fault. And we are not pathetic weak chicks. We are strong, confident women. We have friends to support us and families who love us, but we keep repeating the same mistakes and end up in the same position. Why do we keep allowing ourselves to accept this?
Break the Cycle
A dear friend finds herself in a long-term relationship where she is cheated on for more than five years. She has committed to making the relationship work, continuously forgiving his behaviors. It always happens again and she is left with a broken heart and feeling responsible and guilty that she gave him another chance only to be burned again. It is easy from the outside to judge and say, “just stop taking him back!” But how do we do this? I know she wishes she could spare herself and her child the pain of going through this again. I know she fully expects that he will disappoint her again. So why does she stay? Why does she forgive? Why does she take him back? And honestly, why does he keep coming back?
The only answer I can come up with is fear.
Set Boundaries
Another reader said, “I remember asking a friend of mine whom I have always looked up to who had also tried many times to make her marriage work, ‘how did you know it was finally time to let go?’ She looked directly into my eyes and replied, ‘when it is time, you will know’.
I remember feeling frustrated, wanting a concrete answer. I needed someone to give me the black and white answer. You know, “if he forgets your birthday, or misses dinner or cancels date night, it is over.”
She went on to say, “The truth is nobody could give me that answer I wanted. But she was right. Once I finally gave myself the chance to truly determine what I would no longer tolerate and the relationship I wanted for myself, the picture I had for my life, and how I wanted to be as an example for my children, I drew the line. I announced that line, and I clearly stated if that line or boundary was crossed, I would no longer stay in the relationship. It was scary. I had no idea how I would move on after that boundary would be crossed (and in my heart, I knew it would). But I made a promise to myself. I knew that I deserved better and that my children deserved better.”
Be Willing to Let Go
Letting go of unhealthy relationships can be frightening. We find comfort in familiarity, even when that familiarity is not healthy and certainly does not serve us well. In order to move into a more peaceful place, we need to trust ourselves. We need to work past the fear and allow ourselves to focus on what we want in our relationships and what we will do to get there. Be confident in your goals. Celebrate the small successes.
Getting to the Other Side
Once you find yourself in different state of mind, you might find you have been granted a fresh start, Learn to set boundaries. Do not allow anyone to take advantage of your heart. Distanced yourself from unhealthy relationships.
Remind family members to treat you and others that you love with respect and kindness. It is not an easy process, and I you will still have moments when you wish you would have done a better job defining your boundaries and not let someone step over them, but take the first step to break the habit.
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