Many divorces involve infidelity. How you choose to overcome it can affect your peace of mind and your future relationships.
Adultery exposes a wave of emotions, including regret, shame, fear, humiliation, depression, and more. It’s important to acknowledge these feelings and know that they are natural!
I aspire to be super positive and try to be a resource for how to get past the past, rebuild, and grow from the challenges encountered. Infidelity is one of those tricky subjects that nobody wants to discuss.
The truth is brilliant, loyal, beautiful, kind, and intelligent people face betrayal in their marriages. It is not easy and sometimes feels a bit lonely and embarrassing. Seriously, it 100% sucks.
So now what? Rather than re-hashing the heartbreak or the feelings associated with betrayal, let’s remember that it is in the past. Putting the betrayal in your rearview mirror is probably going to be the healthiest and most productive way to move forward.
A Psychology Today article, A Secret Affair: Who Cheats and Why estimated that between “20 and 25 percent of marriages experience infidelity.”
I knew it was high, and I know quite a few couples who have experienced it, but those numbers still surprised me.
Trust is a huge factor in overcoming infidelity and healing afterward.
How do you trust another, and how do you trust your judgment? I am certain nobody likes this answer, but it comes down to:
Time
You need to allow yourself time to heal. Some therapists recommend an entire year to yourself (not dating) to recover and to remember just you are. Using this time to reflect on the person you were when you got married. Who you became during your marriage and why you made some of the decisions you made (did you repeat the same patterns of ignoring major red flags). Holding yourself accountable for looking at your marriage and life through rose-colored glasses, might need be addressed. To admit responsibility to yourself could be helpful in better raising your children. Setting boundaries, facing difficult situations and conversations, and honestly evaluating the kind of relationships you want in the future will guide you a clearer path. When we do this, we can be honest with ourselves that some of the responsibility is ours. Sometimes we avoid conflict by looking the other way and do not see what was going on right before us.
You do not need to blame yourself for the betrayal. Nobody deserves to be treated this way. We are taught to live by the golden rule, but sometimes despite best efforts, things change.
Forgiveness
Forgiving your spouse and forgiving yourself. You have heard it before-Forgiveness is not for the other person, it is for yourself. I believe this to be true. Holding on to resentment is not only unproductive, but animosity also holds you back from moving forward. I talk a lot about living my life by my Core Values. I heard this at a seminar I attended with Psychologist, Dr. Steven Stosny
The founder of Compassion Power talked a lot about it at the seminar I attended. Not a single day goes by that I don’t reflect on his reminder to evaluate who I am at my core and always be sure I am receiving and giving from those core values. This is such an effective tool to use in forgiveness and it every day life.
Infidelity does not define you. Whether you strayed from your spouse or the other way around, you can overcome it. It is imperative to overcome it to rebuild.
Write down your core values. Who are you at your core? Do your best each day to live by those values.
What are your dreams? Do you want a better career? Do you want to travel? Do you strive to start a new hobby or sport?
Write down your relationship goals. Give yourself the time to think about what genuinely makes you happy in your relationships. How do you want to be treated? What do you do for others that brings you joy?
The chance to rebuild is a great gift. Make yours count!
❤️
Thank you!