One of the most difficult situations about getting a divorce when you have children is telling them. Considering that this life-altering decision will impact so much about what they know to be normal, it is not something to be taken lightly.
Plan It Out Together
There are going to plenty of topics that you will disagree with your spouse on when going through this process. It is imperative for you and your spouse to be on the same team for this one. Your children need to see that you are putting them first. They need to see that you are united in both continuing to be their parents and that you are and will be respectful to one another.
This is not always easy since you have no control of what the other parent does or says, but if you plan the conversation ahead of time with your spouse and you agree on how to tell them and how much to tell them, it will be easier to stay on track.
Stick to the Facts
Children do not need to know all the details of why you are divorcing or what caused it to get to this point. Depending on the ages of your children, they may ask more questions or want more information. You will need to decide how much to tell them and that will be another discussion to have with your spouse before your conversation with your kids. Focus on what changes will be happening, for example, will one of you be moving out of the family home? When will this happen? When will the children see the other parent? Will there be days of the week that they go elsewhere or will the other parent come visit them? Reassure them that although there will be changes, you both love them and will continue to be in their lives.
Be Empathetic
Remember that you and your spouse are making this choice and although it may be the best decision for your family, your children did not make the choice to divorce. Give them some time to process the situation, to grieve and to be upset or sad or even angry. Be patient with them while they experience the range of emotions they are feeling.
Listen, Listen, Listen
Allow them to ask questions and answer them as honestly as possible without blaming the other parent or speaking negatively. Listen to their concerns and address their feelings with compassion and kindness. Let them know that their feelings matter and that you want to help them get through the pain. When they come to you worried about something, do your best to address the issues and not get frustrated or take it personally. They do not have life experiences equipping them with strategies and solutions. It is our job as a parent to help them navigate these very difficult times.
Love Them Through It
Always remember that you are BOTH their parents and they are made up of you both so if one of you speaks negatively about the other, you are speaking that about them, in their mind. Be respectful of their feelings. Continuously remind them that they are loved and that it is not their fault. When they have a tough day, be extra patient and nurturing. If they have questions, do your best to answer them and encourage an open line of communication. Assure them they can talk to you about their feelings and that they are not alone.